I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
