he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
