Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
