He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
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Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
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He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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