So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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