It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
