This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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