Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
