He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
