if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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