You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
