Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
