You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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