I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
