i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
