the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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