Soap is not a condiment
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
