come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
