Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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