I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
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Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.