So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
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I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"