I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
