You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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