We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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