god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw