Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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