Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
