Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
