I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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