wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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