she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
