considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
