nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
