I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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