Just fell off a train. Bad.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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