you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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