I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
