My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
