i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
