I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
