A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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