What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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