well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
