Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
