I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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