Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
