what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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