I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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