That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
