i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
After last night, I could never be a politician.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
