You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
