I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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