I think im going to throw up on grandma
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
