i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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