so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
