Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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