Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
