I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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