Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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