Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
