Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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