At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
