I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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