I think I died a long time ago.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
